Hi Mum and Dad, Meet My Boyfriend
By Sabrina A.
5 minute read
From a young heterosexual, cis woman heralding from a conservative, religious Chinese-Indonesian family.
As a woman, I've had it instilled in me that one of the most important decisions I will ever make is the man I will have as my life-partner. Note, man. It was assumed that I could only ever be heterosexual, and nothing else. This man had to be carefully vetted for approval to ensure he met the unspoken criterion my family had for a suitable partner.
From my observations and interactions, the minimum expected:
Religious, in the right one - lest he lead me astray.
Has skin colour similar to own - the 'other' was unwelcome.
Self-sufficient, future household breadwinner - a man is always the head of the household and must have the capacity to solely sustain his family.
Not ugly - meeting a baseline minimum of objectively attractive aesthetics.
Demonstrates filial piety - will agree to taking care of elderly parents later on in life.
Kind - as an afterthought, and the last question to ask about him after the man has fulfilled the above.
Prior to the first meeting with my family, I have had to extensively prepare my partner to ensure maximum success. Pruning, preening, moulding his (and my) stories to appeal to my parents and gain their approval. It felt like we presented him as a different person to the one I know and love.
The first meeting was awkward. My family asked and said little, they were not accustomed to initiating small-talk. My partner tried to impress. He enquired about work, family, hobbies, the dog, anything to keep the conversation alive. We went through our rehearsed story of how we met and how long we had been seeing each other. While it was only an hour-long lunch, both of us were certainly glad to be done by the end.
It's funny how parents don't have much to say to your partner, but they will have plenty to say afterwards, casting judgement on the strangest of things, or nuances you didn't even consider at the time. I was told it was good that he was ambitious in his career planning, however it did not bode well for his family-tending behaviours in the future. His family heritage raised some question marks - how did he not know the specific nuances of what his father did? How was it possible that he had his licence and could not afford a car? Nonetheless, the overall assessment for now was: 👌. Phew, he had passed. For now.
