How good are East Asians at showing love?
By Clinton Chan
10 minute read
How good are East Asians at showing love?
It’s not easy to know how you should love someone - we’re never taught how to love, who to love, and how your love should change over time. It’s also not easy to know “what good love looks like”. There isn’t a “gold standard” - though I’m pretty sure I’m not it (cries in singledom).
When I talk about “love”, I don’t mean just romantic love. I also mean familial love, friendly love, and even collegial love (your boss needs love too). Of course, figuring it out is part of the joy of love, nobody expects you to know how it works.
In the Western world, much that we know of love is still built on Shakespearean ideals.
But if you’re someone from an East Asian background and born into a Western society (like me), our concept of love is conflicted. As a straight East Asian man, for example, I’ve been taught a strictly Confucian idea of love that is stoic and based on filial piety. Yet in the films I consume, the novels I read, and even on dating apps, some aspects of Western society still promote either a chaotic Shakespearean “head over heels” affection or a low-key “10 Things I Hate About You” type love. This can leave some of us culturally conflicted in how we think about “love” and left without a measure for what “good” love looks like.
To clear the waters, I recently delved into the work of Dr Arthur Aron, a UC Berkeley psychologist who’s famous for his 36 questions to make you “fall in love” with anybody. His research on love isn't just about “romantic” love though, but also love as affection and admiration between people. In particular, Dr Aron’s four universal traits of healthy relationships struck a chord with me and got me thinking - if this is what “good” looks like in a biological and psychological sense, how does East Asian love compare?
Dr Arthur Aron of UC Berkeley is famous for his research on love, including the 36 Q questions to make people “fall in love”.
I want to dive into that, speak to my own experiences in love, and talk about how our cultural upbringing may hinder and empower certain expressions of love.
What is Love?
Baby don’t hurt me?
Dr Aron’s research focuses on how we build and maintain love over time based on four traits he studied in couples who felt they were very much in love. These four traits are:
Showing appreciation and gratitude;
Celebrating each other’s successes;
Doing things with your loved one that are new or challenging; and
Having friendships with other couples (I won’t discuss this one).
So how does love in East Asian communities compare?
Showing appreciation and gratitude
In Dr. Aron’s research, showing appreciation and gratitude to someone is key to extending love. It’s not just about thanking them for ways they’ve helped make you feel more positive or that time they shouted you a meal because it was the end of your pay cycle. It’s also about celebrating their overall presence in your life.
Showing gratitude isn’t something that comes naturally amongst East Asians.
If this is the “gold standard”, how do East Asians compare? I’m not going to beat around the bush – I don’t think showing appreciation and gratitude is the strong suit for most East Asians. If you’re one of the youngest in the family, you’re basically the lowest rung on the totem pole and expected to bend over backwards to show strong appreciation to elders, even if there’s no hope of reciprocation. This is particularly the case between parents and their children. Whilst your parents might expect a lifetime of kowtowing if they make you dinner or pay for your piano lessons, don’t expect a joyous “well done” if you passed your 6th grade violin exams.
Most of us have also probably noticed the lack of appreciation between parents or grandparents (or extended family members). East Asians often uphold the family unit as sacred, but I’ve seen plenty of couples or families that should have seen Dr. Phil agggess ago (or the culturally appropriate equivalent) based on the sheer lack of gratitude. It’s also uncommon for our parents or grandparents to be openly affectionate to each other to the point where you begin to wonder “how they even got freaky back in the day?”.
Whilst there are certainly exceptions, such as friend-friend appreciation and grandparent-grandchild appreciation, I do think that if we were to hold ourselves up to Dr Aron’s definition of strong “love” as showing appreciation, our love for each other may not be as strong as we'd like to admit.
Celebrating the other person’s success
Another crucial part of showing love according to Dr. Aron is not just helping a person at their weakest, but taking the time to REALLY celebrate their successes too, to make their achievements feel validated.
Celebrating successes isn’t just about showing appreciation and validation, but also finding ways to celebrate the little wins too.
As East Asians however, we sometimes have a curious way of celebrating each other’s successes. You probably remember hearing about it as a kid. The ol’ Saturday boast-off, where your mum and other mums have a casual catchup outside the supermarket or tutoring centre and it turns into a weird flex to see whose child is more accomplished.
But you only hear about it because your mother comes home and tells you how your family friend’s 8 year-old son is playing 7th grade piano, whilst acing his state Mathletics competition, and oh yeah Bill Gates wants to call him next week for a job interview… so why you so stupid and lazzyyy la??? And then your award for gaining a pen license last week fades into the ether…
Often as Asian children, our successes were boasted about rather than celebrated with us.
Whilst most successes are no doubt recognised, they aren’t nearly given the upbeat reaction that Dr. Aron describes in his research. I remember when I got into law school, there wasn’t so much as a pat on the back to congratulate me let alone a celebratory meal. No doubt I can’t speak for all East Asian families, but the lack of encouragement and congratulatory joy is definitely something many families lack.
This likely isn’t even the case between couples of family members. As East Asians we don’t really do “promotion parties” or baby showers. In some ways your successes are you meeting the bare minimum so a nod of approval and continued acknowledgment, as opposed to alienation, is often all you’ll get from family.
Doing things with your loved one that are new or challenging
While I’ve had a good rant so far, I do think most East Asian families and communities get this one right. To keep things interesting and to generate cherished memories, Dr. Aron suggests people should aim to constantly try new experiences with those they want to stay close to. Challenging experiences in particular can help broaden your own horizons and help you uncover facets of the other person you may come to like.
Obviously this is dependent on each person or family’s income, but I’ve noticed that East Asian couples, friends, and extended family alike do a pretty good job of keeping life interesting, whether it’s trying new restaurants, going for a holiday, or planning day trips to the seaside. What’s more, as we get older we generally grow our disposable income - so even if your childhood relationships with friends or family weren’t that enthralling, there’s no reason that the future doesn’t hold something brighter (how wholesome).
Trying new or challenging activities or ways of doing things is a tried and true way to build affection between people.
Are we any good at love?
If Dr Aron’s research is anything to go by, East Asians could do a much better job of things like showing appreciation or celebrating success. We really need to get around popping the bubbly rice wine (is that a thing?) or even family PDA.
On a serious note, I do think that the way we show love can be really subtle, and for second-generation migrants like me, a bit under the radar. The downside of this is that it can lead to resentment and emotional distance in intimate or familial relationships.
Hopefully, by reading this, you’ll feel inspired to be a better “lover” because it can only bring you closer to the people you care about.
